


A S.H.I.E.L.D. recruiter, a vampire and a wizard walk into a bar...

by So_Caffeinated (so_caffeinated)



Series: Crazyness in Crazy Town (cross-fandom prompts) [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies), Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Flirting, Humor, Multi, darcy's job is awesome, implied threesome, meme challenge, prompt: threesome, tony knows a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 06:47:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/so_caffeinated/pseuds/So_Caffeinated
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy has the best job ever. Seriously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A S.H.I.E.L.D. recruiter, a vampire and a wizard walk into a bar...

**Author's Note:**

> Meme Challenge  
> Prompt: Threesome  
> Characters: Darcy Lewis (Thor movie), Sirius Black (Harry Potter), and Damon Salvatore (Vampire Diaries)

 

Darcy’s job is totally awesome. No really! If this had been featured on career day instead of dentistry and law enforcement she would have been all over this shit from day one. She’d been wary at first, mostly because political science had given her a knee-jerk negative reaction against non-disclosure agreements and shady government agencies. But recruiting superheroes to save the world? With a generous expense account, no less? This was seriously where it was at.  
  
Though, if we’re being totally honest, this particular recruiting job is even better than your average pick-up of an irradiated scientist or humanoid alien or superpower-gifted mutant. Those have their charms too, but they’ve got nothing on this.  
  
There’s a bar that takes up pretty much the entirety of the third floor of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s main headquarters in New York. Darcy works there a lot, introducing prospective recruits around and pitching the finer points of S.H.I.E.L.D. over cosmos and appletinis (What? Tequila shots would be tots inappropriate on the job. Girl’s gotta have boundaries).  
  
The bar itself is usually pretty hopping, but it’s got the distinction of only being open to S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and their guests. So there’s a lot of superheroes there at any given time. Like a lot.  
  
Tony Stark is there enough that he actually had his name put on his favorite table (Darcy really hopes she’s there when Fury gets wind of that fact. It’ll be epic). Word has it The Invisible Girl is a regular, but Darcy’s never seen her (har har). And Wasp can usually be heard baiting Goliath rather loudly at the bar (on any day that ends in a “Y”).  
  
Today, though, her focus is not on the awesome crowd of awesome people she awesomely calls friends. Even if that is all kinds of awesome. Today, she’s working. She’s under orders to expand S.H.I.E.L.D.’s resource base (i.e. enough irradiated scientists, already. Shiny new powers would be most appreciated). So, she’s gone a little... off the beaten path. She’s sitting across a bistro table from a legit vampire and an actual wizard. Don’t even ask how she tracked them down because it’s an “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you thing.” No joke. But she did and now they’re here and they’re both... really freaking hot. The tall-dark-and-handsome thing is like the worst cliche ever and Darcy’s got no problem with blond and stocky but these two are so ridiculously good looking that she’s kinda wondering if she can classify that as a superpower.  
  
“You know there are warlocks closer than England you could have recruited,” the vampire says, smirking at her with those ice-blue eyes that feel like they can see straight through her.  
  
“It’s wizard,” the other one objects and - by all that is holy - she didn’t recruit him all the way from England for his accent but it’s sure as hell not a point in the negative column. “And there’s actually this whole statute of secrecy thing that I’m not entirely sure how she got around and managed to find anyone.”  
  
“Please,” the vampire says, rolling his expressive eyes. “I can name five witches and warlocks without even having to think about it.”  
  
“Living ones?” the wizard asks.  
  
“Well if you’re going to put restrictions on it...”  
  
“Nice,” the wizard says appreciatively with a broad grin and a raise of his glass, both of which the vampire returns in kind.  
  
She usually avoids talking to two candidates at once. There’s lots of reasons for that, but mostly it’s that superheroes have capital-E Egos. They all seem to either think they’ve got The Best Superpower Ever (tm) or they’re woe-is-me-and-my-burdens-of-being-awesome. Or worse... both. Darcy can pander with the best of them but stroking two superEgos at once can be super counterproductive.  
  
When her scheduler fucked up (and - hello! - she has a scheduler. How is this her life again?) and she couldn’t adjust things with either Sirius Black or Damon Salvatore, she’d kinda expected the worst. They were gonna whip out their wands (metaphorically or literally) and measure in some kind of pissing contest that was totally going to end up with a lot of paperwork, no successful recruits and possibly a pile of ash (so she’s seen a Buffy episode or forty... no judgey). She’d been super surprised when that hadn’t happened. Pleased too, at first. Now, it’s a little jarring just how well the two men get along because she kinda feels like she’s being toyed with and THAT has thrown her for a loop.  
  
“Well now that you’ve had the grand tour, got the pamphlet, shook a few hands, what kind of questions do you guys have? Anyone else you’d like to meet? Clarifications you need?” Darcy asks.  
  
“Actually, I’d just like to get to know you better,” grins Damon broadly, blunt teeth flashing brightly as he smiles.  
  
“Yes, tell us about Darcy,” Sirius agrees, resting his chin on his palm as he watches her.  
  
“I... uh,” she stutters briefly.  
  
She’s been doing this job a while now. Has had a pretty good success rate, too. And of the many responses she’s gotten to her usual wrap-up query, this is a first. Like, seriously, how is she supposed to reply to that?  
  
“Uh, what?” she asks, which is totally lame but the only thing her brain can process.  
  
“You are... interesting. Isn’t she interesting, Damon?” Sirius expands, not deviating his eyes from her as he speaks.  
  
“Very,” Damon agrees.  
  
For half a second, she feels like prey with the way the two are staring at her and she can’t quite get the gist of what the hell is going on. Then... then she spies Natasha over Damon’s shoulder, eyebrow raised with a full-on smile on her face. That’s... actually kinda terrifying because “Natasha” and “smile” are not two words she would ever have thought she’d put in the same sentence without the words “twisted” or “murderous” somewhere in between them. Next to Natasha, Tony Stark raises his glass and wags his eyebrows at her suggestively like he knows something and HOLY SHIT HE DOES KNOW SOMETHING!  
  
She looks back at Damon who has been rather unapologetically staring at her admittedly impressive rack for the better part of the day and quickly shifts her gaze toward Sirius whose gaze is solidly locked on her candy-apple-red lips and Ho-ly Crap. Superheroes like Natasha Romanov and Mystique and Echo and Pepper Potts (who is totally a superhero. Darcy dares you to try and argue with her on this) are in the bar. They are crazy hot and totally awesome and still two of the best looking men she’s ever seen are trying to pick her up. Talk about Egos with a capital E!  
  
“Really?” she asks.  
  
Damon’s grin widens further and it’s damn clear he understands her question on every level she means it on.  
  
“Really,” he says back.  
  
“Really,” Sirius adds with emphasis.  
  
“I... grew up in Toledo, have a degree that has nothing to do with my job, live in this building on the eighteenth floor and love this little Thai place that delivers way better food than anything served in the bar,” she ventures.  
  
It’s super flattering to be looked at that hungrily, even if one of the two of them would literally probably like to eat her. She’s hoping he’d figuratively like to, too.  
  
“But the important question is... how do you feel about older men?” Damon asks and they get up and she grabs her purse. “Like say... a hundred and seventy-five...”  
  
“You know,” she replies, smirking confidently as she strides past them, swaying her hips purposefully as she walks, “if there’s one thing I’ve learned from hanging out with scientists and superheroes, it’s that time is relative.”  
  
“We were hoping you’d say that.”

 


End file.
